CHICAGO (DP): Actor, writer, director William Shatner's toupee was finally spotted Monday night in a Chicago sewer. Thought initially to have been stolen by a renegade member of the highly unstable and controversial religious faction "The True Religion", the hallowed hairpiece was the subject of a month-long nation wide search, which failed to uncover the whereabouts of either the toupee or any existing member of the aforementioned religion.
The righteous rug was sighted late Monday night by two sewer workers who claimed they barely escaped with their lives. "It was like a huge, ravenous, hairsprayed tribble," was the description given by waste management engineer Frank Hamilton, who escaped with lacerations and a dislocated shoulder. "I'm never goin' down there again!"
Mr. Hamilton's life long friend, Ed Norton, apparently saved his coworker's life with some quick thinking, by pulling out an electric sheep sheerer that, for unknown reasons, he always carries with him. "I was scared stiff when I saw the thing come up outta the water and grab Franky by da arm. It looked like one of them "horta" from, ya know, that Star Track show, except it was all styled and gelled up. I thought that it had to be that Captain Kirk guy's rug, but it was huge! So I instinctively whipped out my trusty clippers and drove it off. Don't know where it went but I hope it don't come back. Near took Franky's arm clean off!"
Authorities believe the wayward wig may be linked to the disappearance of two small school children in the area and might be responsible for the mysterious half eaten alligator found washed up on the banks of lake Michigan. Shatner reported the mischievous mop had been stolen from his hotel room during a Star Trek convention over the summer. When asked to comment on the recent sighting, Shatner only remarked about the dangers of buying hair products on the internet. At least for now, the carnivorous carpet remains at large.
-The Disassociated Press
